My head aches again and perhaps now more than ever. Something will definitely snap soon, either me, or this world, but something has to give. I'm tired of all of it. All of it. I don't want to do this anymore, and I don't think I will. I cry, both literally and figuratively but nothing at all has changed. Maybe it changed for a little while, but that is over. They tell me I wasn't meant to fail, but you could have fooled me. They point their finger and tell me how I've failed, and how I've let them all down, but why don't they help me? Why can't they just ease my soul for one minute. One second. All I ask is for a small amount of peace and then I'll go back to the blistering desert under the hot sun. If only. Image if. What if. Screw it all. I don't ask for life, and I don't ask for death. Not your sense of death anyway. Because even I know man's death only leads up another path, one that I am no longer ready for, and doubt that I ever was. To cease to exist is paradise, and no one can prove me wrong, because it is true. The space of air beside you feels no agony and neither does it regret not existing. It knows not what life is and it never will care if it has missed it. That is my one wish. I don’t ask for life, and even though it might be a gift, I don’t want it. I’m sorry. I am. I wish that I could make a difference, but all my rage and desperation for good is all in vain. I will continue to live my life with my well-worn mask of disguise so you will not know my pain when you see me Monday morning and throughout your pretty life. The thread of constraint I hold is only for the sake of Jesus, but I wonder how thick that thread really is? Only time will tell, but I am only human and when I snap I just hope God is not looking and his mercy is close in His heart. It’s time again to rest up for another beautiful day of life and it’s glorious riches, which welcomes me with open arms, and piercing applauds. My head still aches.