3.15.97

Home (Not a bar tonight)

Long after dawn and I'm at the Circle K buying smokes when I see this beautiful woman filling a soda. I'm in mid-conversation with the woman who works the counter and I stop and stare and forget what I'm saying. Soda-girl catches my glance and stares back. I freeze, as usual. Out in the parking lot I find as many excuses to not leave as I can come up with. I empty the trash from my car in the bin beside the door. I pack those newly purchased smokes over and over. I flip the "lucky" smoke three or four times. Then, pitifully, I actually write my name and number on an old receipt I have on the passenger side floor thinking momentarily that I may have the guts to walk up to her as she heads for her car and give it to her. The conversation is pre-recorded in my mind. --I know this is neither the time or the place, but I wish it was, and if you choose, please call me at this number, or come see me at DV8 where I work. -- Why, thank you asshole, now kindly fuck off and let me go to work without calling the cops?

Ok, I didn't do it. Fact is, I felt stupid and invasive just waiting in the parking lot until she left.

I came home and called Shannon right after that. It's about 9:45 am, and I figured she may be awake. She wasn't. But she answered. She was surprised to hear from me for first time in three weeks. She was polite, maybe a bit of discomfort and guilt kept her from hanging up on me. When I realized I woke her up, I hung up after accepting the promise to talk to me later today, which she won't do. She's glad she ended our relationship.

Two months that lasted. Only. I will keep her.

So, Kerrie was in town the other night and I took her to see a couple of club shows - Blood Hound Gang at DV8 which was horrible, then Sweaty Nipples at Zephyr which excited her so she bought me the t-shirt afterwards (Mom and Dad: I Use Drugs! it says.. heheheh). Back at home I check the mail box I usually ignore and find the note from the landlord telling me I have a month to move so he can sell the home.
Hmm.. Evicted. Again.

Last time I was evicted it took 9 months to find this shithole. Landlords do not like Rollins. Even dog friendly places, when they ask "So, what kind of dog do you have" freak when you say "Um, a Rottwieler?"

Yeah, he's gonna go eat the neighbors children. That's it.

So, here's the irony. Martina wants to find a place with me. Yes, Martina. Having no other outlet, I'm going with it. If we actually find a place, in about two months time I will be sitting before this computer graphically describing what it sounds like to listen a woman I love having sex in the next room with some dork that will be stalking the house a month later.

Hmm again..

But, back in reality, Kerrie will be in town tonight. This is a good thing. So I keep telling myself. She is tall, beautiful, intelligent and a good lover. She tells me things she had told no man. I tell her nothing. It seems I have nothing to say when we're together. I just drink, smile, and glare at all the men who try to stare me down when I take her to places. I then take her home and find myself enjoying the conversation more than the sex. Then, when she is about to leave in the morning, my hands take over and keep grabbing at her as she tries to get out of bed. They touch her in just the ways that make her stay long enough to have me again. When she leaves, I sleep for about 12 hours. Every time. I sometimes dream of Shannon.

Guilt. Again.

Ok, 10:26 am... I will take another shot of whiskey and find something else to do with my psyche. Then I will sleep. Maybe Shannon will call. Maybe Margaret will call -- another story I didn't get into here tonight -- maybe I will just sleep until work or Kerrie shows up at my door. This is not fair to her. I realize this. I wish it were different, and hope it will change. It will not.

Cheers.

wwood