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== GNOME UPDATE: Stone rolled away.... ==

GNOME 1.1

And so it came to pass that Rasputin the Gnome was laid to rest in a sacred cave, behind a boulder wall, and so it came to pass that the Grassy Knoll was mowed to death by Earl Crabtree 2. And three gnome followers journeyeth into the Arizona Desert to see the Gnome, and to pay their respects, and to pay homage 3. And when the followers reached the sacred cave that housed Rasputin, one turneth to the other and saieth, "What saieth you? The great boulder that blocks the sacred cave hath been moved! Someone hath stolen the body of Rasputin!"

GNOME 2.1

And so it came to pass that the three gnome followers entereth into the sacred cave, and saw the stone gone and the body of Rasputin gone, and mourned, and sobbed and wailed and blew their noses a great deal 2. But as the followers mourned so, Rasputin himself appeareth in the doorway of the cave, and he saieth unto them, "Do not cry, my sacred followers, for I am in a better place now" 3. The followers fell about the shroud of Rasputin and moaned and genuflected, but Rasputin saieth, "Ye shall continue my word among the citizens and the populace, and when Armageddeon cometh, on Arbor Day 2010, I shall walk upon this sphere again, and my followers shall rise with me to Paradise" 4. And the followers of Rasputin promised him that they would spread his word among the citizens and the populace, and they cried tears of happiness and bittersweet melancholy 5. And Rasputin saw that it was good

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== Church of Rasputin ==

Welcome to the Church of Rasputin (genuflect here). Light a candle to our risen leader in the battle against the foliage. Hear his enlightening message of hope. We shall win the battle.
Gaze upon the Holy Chainsaw. This will be our finest day. Worship the Termite and Woodpecker. They are our brothers. They will fight with us to rid the world of the Devious Trees. Think not bad of the Lawn Gnomes. They know not what they do.
As we have seen by the brave acts of Rasputin, they too can change. They may see the error of their ways. They may join our cause. Be kind to the Lawn Gnomes, show them we are kind and gentle people. They have been led to believe that being a Tree Spy is their only calling. Someday their eyes may be open to Truth.

Minor Sage

== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==

Theory being as such...

Trees are aliens, they arrived here before us and planted themselves firmly by their roots into the soil....their primary form of communication is thru their roots...secondary form being, thru the wind, in 'whispers' and 'waves'.
By all means necessary, beware, for they 'watch' and have powers beyond our understanding.
We do not know of what their master plan is or what they want with us. Are they merely here to 'study' us or to 'use' us like 'lab mice'? If so, then for what purpose? Again, i implore you to beware!

MorJava

== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==

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== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==

i have read Agent MJ's report. we are all familiar with her belief that there is life beyond what we know on this planet, but i think you should consider removing her from this case.
much of the talk of the trees being aliens comes from The Church of Rasputin and it's followers. the "Church" is nothing more than a cult, though i have yet to discover it's true intent.
i will look into the "Church" and it's members if you will allow me. i would like to go undercover in the "Church". i think once we have found their real motivation, we can put aside these rumors of alien invasion.
i will await your decision.

Minor Sage

== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==

I've lately begun to notice some mild dissension in our ranks, and have decided to address it. Rasputianity, be it cult, sect, denomination, or simple channel for those aware of the evil of trees, is a valuable institution, both among those of this planet who are unaware of the evils under their noses, and as an aide to our ongoing research and work. It appears to me that Agent MS is picking a bone, rather loudly, with this church, and thereby also questioning one of our most beneficial weapons. Being a deacon of the Church of Rasputin, I will take it upon myself to attempt to clear up this alarming discrepancy. I have already begun my attempt to convert Agent MS and re-convert Agent DK; I have mailed them both programs from the Church of Rasputin and have requested that I speak with each of them privately to address any problems they might have with the church. However, I instinctively suspect something deeper and more sinister under the surface of this scenario.
Sir, I humbly advise you not to even consider removing Agent MJ from this case--she's one of our more valued operatives. Rather, I encourage you to consider the removal of Agent MS, and in fact, I encourage you to look into her past records. I fear, sir, that she may be a double agent. More later.....

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== T - file 5/26/96 * Top Secret * ==

As you can see from Agent S's report, he believes strongly in The Church of Rasputin. As per our arrangement, I will allow him to believe I have been convinced of the "Church's mission". I have already spoken to Agent MJ and believe I have convinced her I have reconsidered my position.
Once I have gotten inside the "Church" I will have to send my reports in a coded manner so as not to insight any suspicion in the other agents.
I will be reporting to Brother Ralmal tomorrow.
Wish me luck,

Minor Sage

== T Files--Update 5/27 ==

As you know, yesterday was Sunday and thus the day of worship for Rasputin. Both Agents MS and DK were in attendance at the Church of Rasputin, I am happy to report. I have spoken privately with Agent DK, and judging from his attitude and behavior, he appears to be a threat no longer. Agent MS, however, I remain somewhat suspicious about, however, from the evidence I gathered yesterday in church, she seemed resonably pleased with the service. I encourage you again, sir, to keep an eye on her. Meanwhile, Agent MJ and I will continue our straight field work and research. My own duties at the Church of Rasputin continues. Things appear to be going fairly smoothly. Agent S out.

PS--Sincere apologies for not checking in yesterday...I had some pressing but minor church duties to attend to. Nothing major, nothing worth discussing, I assure you.

Seals

== Sunday's service ==

I attended Sunday's Church of Rasputin services with Agents S and MS. Could not locate Agent DK in the attendance, but the Church was very crowded. Having gone over the Church records and literature, I believe their mission to be a true one.
According to their records, these "trees" (as they have presented themselves) have been living amongst the inhabitants of our planet at least since the start of recorded history. I have only one suspicion, why do we not yet know their intent? Agent MS has used this lapse in Church doctrine to dismiss the theory in the past, but she seemed very overwhelmed with the services Sunday.
Is their mission merely one of "observation"? or is their patience such that it will be some time until we know their true mission?

One of the Brothers of the Church is going to allow me to see the Document of Rasputin. Perhaps, we will find our answers there.

MorJava

== Sunday's service ==

Brief request. If you would, can I trouble you to kindly request that Agent MJ allow me to take a look at the Document of Rasputin should she gain access to it? I believe it would greatly benefit my research.

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== Brother Ralmal ==

Brother Ralmal was most informative. I have been going over The Churches papers and records in the main rectory. Some of the information seems very trustworthy. The investigations The Church itself have done lead one to believe there may be some truth in their beliefs. Brother Ralmal has assured me I can see the Doctrine of Rasputin within the next few days.
I must tell you, the services Sunday were very persuasive...

Minor Sage

== The Unseen Scroll Text of Rasputin ==

I have handed over the Doctrine of Rasputin to Agent S. It needs to be looked over a.s.a.p. I have been decipher- ing the Unseen Scroll...and have come to the conclusion that this will take more time than I had expected. I am sure Agent S will give a full and complete report.
Meanwhile, I have a 'contact' that informs me that he will 'divulge' some secret information as soon as he feels safe to do so.

MorJava

== Report on Doctrine of Rasputin ==

I have read the complete Doctrine of Rasputin. I turned it back over to Brother Ralmal, he seemed to need it urgently. Have not had much sleep, but wanted to let you know what I thought. I believe there may be some true to The Churches position. I believe they are right. I fear this belief may put me in danger. The enemy Trees must know that I know. The document told me what course of action is best to avoid the Trees detection. I am going out to get the material now. I have been listening to some tapes The Brothers of The Church sent over. They are very inspiring. I will turn them over once I have made copies for myself. I think you will enjoy them. Very soothing.
I must point out that my previous position as a doubter was very wrong, very ignorant, very blind. I have to go, I must be protected before the Trees find me. Sir, be careful. They are everywhere.

Minor Sage

== T Files: Recent Events ==

I am aware of the fact that several field agents have questioned my whereabouts over the weekend, and some have even been so bold as to question my allegiance to you, my fellow lead agents, and our entire cause, but rest assured you have nothing to worry about. My loyalty remains now and always clear. I shall deal with the doubting field agents myself, and on my own time...
This weekend, as you may have heard by now, I spent on a diligent and exhausting search. It appears that a minor deacon of the Church of Rasputin has misplaced the holy Document of Rasputin, in the midst of bringing it to me to read and analyze. The church officials humbly request that this deacon's identity not be revealed, but rest assured once again, I have dealt with him personally and justly. At present, the Document is missing, but I and several handpicked agents of mine are in the process of relocating it.
Must go, as my increasing duties beckon. Sir, despite all of the recent events, I must state once again that the situation and the plan is moving along swimmingly, and I forsee no reasons for you to worry, or make a personal visit yourself.

Seals

== Trees ==

I....I think I was followed today. I have noticed the trees outside my office seem closer than they were yesterday. The other agents have not contacted me in awhile. I....I don't know if they are still to be trusted. Have you listened to the tapes I sent you? I must put one in now. They are very calming I have noticed. The Church has asked me to come to a special meeting later this evening.
Why have you not contacted me this week? My answering machine had one message, but...and I hope this doesn't sound strange....the message was only a sound.....a sound like branches scraping along brick.....I think I need to get intouch with one of The Church members. They may be able to help. Please, see if you can contact the other agents and have them meet me...wait.....let me give the directions so that any spies will not understand.....

M-DXC6/ZT0U&K1^-_7B1@G;)B'7@WVSLU1B8F4&S9ZC9N.:8;(H0=KT,S7&+`
M*9[QKOQ!'R$49*^W..9)O:#_LQZ6660T)(3`HKTW^3I:J>K#\#?BGDG,MO)_
M>O6-O\C+];$5RMT/MK",S0
M1W=$<2R_Y'#EP#D`HWX;OLY&S/,"#M?8K8X(@:Z@4=,T-UZDFREQD_7TE
M#ZF;^9D5^"1,MQ\_-Z`C?SN;Z1-
M^3X&^P*PY';`TVAS&O;G/TQ=DVS8G=JK(Y8\ZOS^><+S#(B5@Y
MS_9)^'UI/E<,]#R[#;.UN1RO]*>]<3O2?+[KA,QTZR3L)4PI8JLH1)VI!\VI
M9)3$D9

Minor Sage

== Field Tree Report: From the Front Lines ==

Reporting from the front lines. Everything going well, as I stated earlier. Believe that we will have our hands on the Doctrine of Rasputin again by the week. Agent DK is my head field operative; he is doing his duties well. Other field agents also working effectively.
Agent MS has contacted me via voice mail, requests a meeting with either myself, Agent MJ, or your emminence. I detect signs of paranoia in her voice; I still question whether she is to be trusted entirely.
Signing out for now, sir. Many happy returns.

Seals

== ****EXCLUSIVE: URGENT**** ==

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

What follows is a tape recording of a radio transmission made by Agent DK mere hours ago. Its contents are shocking, read with caution, and remember to exercise Destructive Device afterwards:

"I don't know...he's gone nutso, or something....Dear God, there went Agent LS! Check for signs of life, Grady! Check for signs of--is this on? Sir, this is Agent DK reporting! Red alert! Red alert! Requesting mission abortion! I'm on the field, somewhere in...where are we? It's gotta be northern Nebraska somewhere, the plains...searching for Rasputin's document. Agent S has gone native, sir! Repeat, Agent S has gone native! He's with the trees! And he's leading a massacre! 12 agents down sir, 10 confirmed dead! Request mission abort and immediate reinforcements! Please send help. Repeat, please send help. Again, Agent S has gone native. He's switched to the other side, he's in cahoots with the trees! This is not a hoax! Red alert! Red----"

This ends the transmission

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== ****EXCLUSIVE: URGENT**** ==

KBS

== =Side Note To Supervisor= ==

Agent S has requested a private meeting with me this evening. I will be leaving shortly. He is a true believer. I know he has doubted my faith in the past, but then I was against this project earlier. Now that I have seen The Church in the light, and have confessed my previous ill thoughts perhaps we will be able to resolve our differences. I suspect we will both file full reports with you in the morning.

Minor Sage

== Operation Weed: Destroy T Files ==

As requested, I have done my duties. The Book of Rasputin has been burned, and its ashes have been scattered in different directions; it will not be found. 13 field agents of the T Files team are dead--along with your well-directed army of assassin trees, I manage to orchestrate the massacre, in accordance with our plans and blueprints. Agent DK is deceased; I impaled him with a branch myself, but not before, I fear, his radio transmission was able to at least partially go through. A hero to the end, was he, and now his death will surely be martyred. No matter. I fear nothing, because they suspect nothing. Agent Kbs has further seen to that. Long live the Realm of the Forested Ones!
Soon, I have the planned meeting with Agent MS. I look forward to doing her in personally. Strangulation by sapling, a lovely touch indeed. After her demise, I will then deal with Agent MJ...

I have no doubts that we will succeed.

Your loyal and ever-devoted servant,

Grand Moff Krogg, alias "Agent S"

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== Secret Meeting ==

As I mentioned earlier..I would have a meeting to be provided with secret information about the trees. This meeting occurred today. My informant told me of the 'circles' in the trees and their meaning. This was most intiguing. Seems these rings or 'circles' as he called them are 'information'..each ring/circle holds a certain amount of information that has been gathered, then releases it to the "Prime-Master-of-Trees", therefore causing that brown mark. See?..You look at the cross-section and can get the gist of the amount of information each tree has gathered and transported out over the years! I fear the trees already 'know' too much! I am still working on the 'secret' scrolls....over and out.

P.S.

I will be meeting with Agent S soon. He will update me on the 'field happenings' as of late.

MorJava

== =Prior to Meeting Report= ==

I am meeting with Agent S, I wanted to file this report first.
Knowing that I am being followed...I have taken some precautionary measures...there was a list of common chemicals the Doctrine of Rasputin mentioned. You will find them in sec. 16, if the Doctrine is now in your hands. I have mixed these together and drank them as per the instructions...I have also purchased a chainsaw..I don't think it will be necessary if this elixir works, but Sir, I grow more suspicious everyday.
I...I feel strange Sir...my legs feel...tight...my hands look strange to me...I have to listen to the tapes....my fingers.... they seem longer....I must get to the meeting.....I must go.... will report later......

Minor Sage

== Operation Weed: horrible encounter... ==

I am much too shaken to provide a full report at this time. Forgive incoherence of this report. Something terrible has happened, something mystical, something weirdly divine and devillish. I have started to question my own sanity. I have started to question the purpose of this entire mission; it appears futile and much too intricate for minds like ours to comprehend.
Let me start by recounting what occurred during my "meeting" with Agent MS. It began as planned, with several minutes of small talk during which I was able to completely confirm her trust in me. Finally, when her back was turned--as we had planned in our blueprint--I shouted "Hail to the trees!" and tossed the garroting sapling around her neck. For a full two minutes I strangled her with it; she struggled but it appeared that my assassination had worked. Then somethin happened--I still cannot quite determine what. It appeared that she consumed the sapling, then rose again, unaffected and unhurt, and apparently taller. At that point we both fled; she appearing as terrified as I. I'm still fleeing now; must get far away from here, far away from this.
What does this mean, sir? What is going on? Is it possible that the trees are more powerful and influential than we ever could have thought? Could it be that they don't need us?
I'm fleeing, sir...will send you an encoded report when I've achieved a safe place of hiding

Grand Moff Krogg

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== =Tape found at meeting site by Agent MJ= ==

Sir.....[a strange creaking sound]....I am in the woods.... somewhere...not sure where.....[in a shout] WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!?....[creaking sound followed by pause]....I don't know what trans..transp....transpired....Agent S....I think....I think he tried to kill me....I don't know....I hope you get this....[creaking sound]...[in a shout] NO!!!!!!.....I think ...the church..it's a fraud...the whole damn thing.....it's all a lie......[creaking noise]....get to the other agents.. ...[the voice drops at this point to almost a whisper]...I.. .I still have the chainsaw...if..if I can just get it started ....[the voice rises again] Sir...I have to do this...I hope you and the agency understand.....stop them Sir....stop them.

Minor Sage

== =Bizarre Search Results= ==

I hope you have recieved the transcript of the tape from Agent MS' recorder by now. That tape was found near the arranged meeting site between Agent S, Agent MS, and myself. Neither of the agents were in the area and there seemed to have been a struggle. The tape was found still running in the recorder 10 yards from the meeting area by a large felled tree. There was a chain- saw in the vicinity that was still warm, though out of gas. Sir, the tree that was felled bothers me. There were no rings in this tree, yet it was atleast 10 ft. long. I have not, in all my research, come across a tree with no rings.
I am leaving now for The Church. If either Agent S or Agent MS checks in with you please ask them to contact me.

MorJava

== "Agent S" checking out ==

It is over...finished. I send you this transcript from a misbegotten location in the northern Tundra, where I have been hiding as of late and where I have reached my final decision through intense contemplation.
As I dictate this transcript I sit in a far-off, frigid cabin, and the stench of gasoline overwhelms. This shall be my last transcript; at my hand rests a box of matches, I need strike only one.
You have no idea what you have gotten yourself, myself, and all of the others into. You have made us brainwashed through your ignorant eyes. You, sir, have been deceived. We all have been deceived. The power of the trees is more than we could ever possibly comprehend. We have no business meddling where we do not belong. I have chosen to exit while I can; I only hope you and all the others follow suit.
I have seen such things---an "exiled tree gnome, martyr, religious icon": all false, all fraudulent, all created to deceive us and turn our eyes away from the real occurrences. I have seen a woman seemingly transform into a tree before my very eyes. I have led a massacre that led to the futile, pointless deaths of a dozen people with families that will miss them. I once considered myself to be going mad; these thoughts are irrelevant now. We are all mad, and you are the maddest of them all.
I have lit my match now, and you, so-called imperial one, may join me in hell.

Your dog,

Grand Moff Krogg

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== -==The End==- ==

The Church of Rasputin no longer exists. The building remains, but is now covered with growth as though it had been deserted many years ago. I have yet to hear from any of the other operatives. Agency investigators, under my supervision, are going over the debris on the church site in hopes of finding any leads to its sudden destruction.
The scrolls of Rasputin are still in safe keeping, but without the Brother's of the church and the reports of Agent S and Agent MS I don't see that this project will continue much longer.
On a side note Sir, I have taken the strange tree I found near the meeting area and had it made into two very nice shelving units. Would you like one for your office?

MorJava